Lamar

over and out

i put up a new journal though
I'm just sick of this one
and its trends

if anyone wants to read it
my new user name is

peterpanmustdie

So many things have happened since I last updated, though all the people who actually read this already know anyways. I'm back from Missoula. It's a nice change of pace but soooo boring, and I can't stop eating my parents food. Arg. So I'm trying to run and bike and shit and not eat out of boredom. And I went to Kalispell a week or so ago to go visit Chandra (hi!) and I guess things "could" have turned out better but they didn't though were still on good terms. Been hanging out with the Rose alot and with Candice a bit too. Artspace sucks cock. Except for doug. He sucks lots of cock but in a good way. I'm bored. Maybe Ill go eat something

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression of me?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

.

"Yeah, I can see it now. A copy of Maxim/FHM/Loaded/lads mag of your choice tied up in a pretty pink ribbon. A felling axe sipping delicately on a babycham. A hockey stick inserted in Richard Gere's rectum........... "

damnit, those were the wrong lyrics

I want candy, bubble gum and taffy skip to the sweet shop with my sweet hart sandy, got my pennies saved so I'm her sugar daddy I'm her hugh cronin she's my jessica tandy I want candy!_Gonna get your ass beat nasty do it till you dad sees embaress your whole family, just because they came between a kid and his candy. I need candy! anykind'll do, I don't if it's nutritious or FDA approved, it'll make me spas like five cats on booze, a hyperactive juice that only I can produce, build a giant drill, going straight into hell, releasing anchient demons from their sleep forever spell so they can walk upon the earth, and get resituated, and thank that mc pee pants was created. Mess up the mix, mix up the mess come on down yall here's the address 6! 1!2! wharf avenue 6! 1!2! wharf avenue

tell me what did you do
what did you do the last time
why dont you do that
well go on ahead, take this the wrong way

my stomach churns with emotion

I kinda hurt

Oh what a few days it's been.

Me and Chandra are broken up. It's probably for the better.
I've gotten to know Wally and Kayrii alot better, and both are fucking awesome people.
I finally got my room to myself. Kicked her the fuck out.
And have gone through all sort of mood swings! Hurray!

1. grab the nearest book.
2. turn to page 23.
3. find the fifth sentence.
4. post it along with these instructions on your journal

They were the last protection against an almighty evil which, should it pass them, would burst bloody into the universe and smash into chaos and sorrow everything that had been made both orderly and good.

Kyle just gave me over 20 hours of music.
I couldn't get much giddier.
Lets see... I got...
Fantomas --delerium cordia
directors cut
self-titled
Melvins -- The Crybaby
Faith No More -- King for a Day, Fool For A lifetime
Ween -- Chocolate and Cheese
12 Greatest Country hits
and assorted demos and rarities
Eyvind Kang -- 7 NADEs
Sweetness of Sickness
Virginal Co-ordinates
Estradasphere -- Buck Fever
It's Understood
Quadropus
The Silent Elk of Yesterday
Dillinger Escape Plan -- Irony is A Dead Scene
Mulholland Drive Sountrack
Bill Hicks -- Dangerous
Relentless
Love, Laughter, and Truth
Dub Side of the Moon

I think thats most of it. So much musick I want. I'm pushing 320 hours of music on my computer now. And about 15 gigs. I need to get an external hard drive that I can back all this shit up to, cuz I would fucking hate to lose all this. I also need an I-pod.

man. That last entry sucked.
I felt all self righteous in shit.

Not that I didn't feel led on, but I was a lot out of it.

Anyhow. Things are worked out for the most part.
We've decided that it would be best for both of us if we took shit REAL slow.

Instead of diving off the deep end into something that neither of us are really prepared for.

Anyways. She's so cute. She let me read Neil Gaimans Sandman (first 8 i think). It was the fucking shit. I've never read a comic so damn good. I want to read it and reread it and then go by the rest of em. I've fallen in love with Dream and Death.

I also saw Being John Malkovich the other night. What a cool movie. I think I liked adaptation more though

...malkovich...malkovich...

ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME ROSEY CALL ME

Well...
What can I say.

It's been one hell of a day. I can't figure out what the fuck to do about Chandra.
So that's my decision. I'm just going to straight up be like, Listen, my emotions are being toyed with, here's how I see it. I really like you but I have no idea what to do about us. You don't want to get close but you do and you don't let me know whats actually going on in your head. I don't want to get fucked over here. I really don't have a choice. I can either get toyed around with, or I end the possibility of us having a "romantic" relationship.

I really don't feel like doing this. But I don't see any other options other then just being straight up 100 percent with her and see where it goes from there. I can handle being friends with her. She's a great fucking girl. Super cool. But I don't feel like getting fucked in the ass WILLINGLY. (sorry rose!)

I've talked to everyone I trust here. I was ALL strung out this morning. Fuck. I woke up feeling like she hated me and I was scaring her away and afraid that was scaring her away and then afraid THAT was scaring her away, but she continued to come around and didn't seem to freaked by last night. But somethings definatly up.

She says I'm OK, and it's her thats too fucked up. She says that she doesn't want me to know her. What am I supposed to say to that. Honestly, anyone who has any idea, reply to this. I'm interested. I don't want to just be like, I can't work this, but I don't see any way around it. If theirs to be any sort of relationship, I want to be on equal ground with the other person. On the same page. But I don't feel like I can ACTUALLY communicate with her if she isn't willing.

She says she doesn't want a serious relationship. But god only knows what that means. She says she wants to be monogomous with me, but not serious. I don't get it.

I'm at a loss here. I can't communicate with her. So I'm going to communicate that to her. LOL.

Whatever. (throws hands in the air)

I don't even feel like worrying about it.

man. I haven't slept more then 3 hours in the last 2 days. I'm about to pass out as soon as I fucking write this. I had a great Easter with Chandra and her family up in Kallispel. Tonight was a different story though. I still don't know what a not co-dependent relationship is, but I really need to look at this. Tonight I got all freaked out in some old pattern of codependency. After getting ALL weird and anxiety and depressed for a while, I was able to just stop and look at what exactly I was feeling and what led to what and so on. And it was almost funny. The "codependent" voice will say something like 'you cant live without her' and I believe it. And then I feel guilty and fucked up for being codependent which leads me to think that the other person won't want anything to do with me, therefore pushing me away from someone that 'I can't live without'. When I take a step back. Its ridiculous. and effective. But as a matter of fact, it would really suck if Chandra left, but I've lived this long without her. I've lived since Amber. The voices said I couldn't then. They obviously don't know as much as they seem to think they do. So I'm going to continue looking at this. Afterwards, I've felt quite a bit better though I still didn't know what to say, I still felt like Chandra was weirded out by it all. So I gave her a big fucking long heart felt smooch. It was great. Like a big fuck you to all the voices that say I can't live without her blah blah blah. Just a kiss from center.

This is the best fucking hip-hop I've ever heard.
If you haven't heard him
GO OUT AND BUY ANY OF IT.
anything buy aesop rock is pure fucking gold.

Brad gave me burned copies of Float, Labor Days, Music for Earthworms, and some assorted stuff he's done with others and its the fucking shit.

Fuck!
FUCKING A!

I haven't heard music like this in a while

What a day.

I'm exhausted.

My alarm clock went off this morning and I could hardly open my eyes, so I debated with myself if I should go to class. I fell asleep in the process. And that was that.

Then when I finally did get up, Jason finally came back and told me that he had basically two more days here after today until he had to go and begin the training to go start his stint in Iraq. So I insisted I go and help him pack his shit so I could spend some more time with him. I think I love that boy. What a trip. I think I have some emotions not involving fear of some guy for this dude. It kinda weirds me out.. Anyhow. So it starts raining n shit as soon as we get his bed all packed up and I was bear foot and it was all rainy. and muddy. and all sorts of shit.

So after that I was all sad. It sucks to see him go. But were gonna get all shit faced tuesday and go see Eternal Sunshine of a Beautiful Mind. And have ourselves a rollicking time.

spent some time with chandra and shelly...basically crying alot...

Me and Shelly hiked up mt. sentinel and on the way found Ian. So shelly stopped at the M, and me and Ian went to the top so we could go touch a cloud.

Came back. spent some more time with Chandra and her roomate Diane. Diane's a crazy girl. Me and Chandra can't figure out if she was hitting on me or not, but she always seems to put on something really skimpy when I come over and starts dancing n shit. Chandra says she doesn't do this when I'm not around.

Had a Kokanee.

Started writing my live journal.

The ocean doesn't want me today
But I'll be back tomorrow to play
And the strangles will take me
Down deep in their brine
The mischievous braingels
Down into the endless blue wine
I'll open my head and let out
All of my time.
I'd love to go drowning
And to stay and to stay
But the ocean doesn't want me today
I'll go in up to here
It can't possibly hurt
All they will find is my beer
And my shirt
A rip tide is raging
And the life guard is away
But the ocean doesn't want me today
The ocean doesn't want me today.

Woo doggy! Well, my music want list is slowly shrinking. Today I got ahold of Tom Waits' Bone Machine, Dalek's From Filthy Tongues of God and Griots, AND a c.d. that was neglected on my list but was definatly wanted, that being the Lost In Translation soundtrack, though it doesn't have the same feel as it does WITH the movie. Oh well. I'll take em all back tomorow and exchange them for new c.d.'s anyhow. Ahh the joy of a hard-drive.

I got my ass kicked and then rekicked again this morning in yoga. And the funny thing is, afterwards in the corpse pose, I think I relaxed. not your ohhh, it feels so good to get off my feet kind of relax. It was more or less like the, Theirs nothing to wait for, nothing to watch, nothing to do stillness kind of relaxation. And as soon as my little mind saw this it freaked out and got all anxiety ridden.

But...I'm learning to laugh at it.
Honestly. It's rather funny.
To get anxiety about relaxing...what a sham!

The change in day light savings, or checking or whatever its called has really made my days feel longer. Maybe today was just a huge day. Back to the long haul in classes, 3 n a half hours of class and then some chill time in my room. Went up to Chandra's room and got the "I can cha-cha all day" song stuck in both of our heads. it was miserable. Fucking miserable. To sing about living in a whales belly and how much I love it cuz I can CHA CHA without anyone bothering me. WE SANG IT ALL FUCKING DAY. I eventually came to love the silence between the words and between the verses because it was THE ONLY FUCKING SILENCE their was. Oh god, to not cha cha all day is a beautiful thing.

(so i put the damn song after writing that!!!)

It was such a long day. Me and Chandra went to go catch a bus to make it to Ross so she could get something or another, but we got distracted by Ear Candy Music (huge props to you guys. I can live in Missoula as long as Ear Candy is around), then got distracted by a used book store and finally made it to the bus station. (in our brief distraction at ear candy music, I spent 50 of my 70 dollars of grocery money!!!) BUT we got on the wrong fucking bus and ended up at the mall, but it all worked out cuz we were going to get some pink hair dye and some bleach to make me hairs all pink and purty. But alas, to no avail. For we had NOT ENOUGH CASH!!! oh well. Hop on another bus to the other side of town and it doesn't drop us off where it said it would so we get dropped off 5 blocks from where we needed to go with 12 frozen calzones and RUN to wal-mart where Chandra drops off the film, uses the bathroom. We take a water break. I go first. And then her. And then I take another sip. Next...chandra looks at a shirt for Hell Gate high school and we end up talking about her pants which are from her highschool, debating the finer points of whether it is ok or not to wear high school clothing at college. We decide on a firm no. We walk down an isle and see various products begging for our attention. The Donatello Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pen half torn out of the package distracts us. We make it to the film drop off where I am tempted by Army of Darkness. Should I spend the rest of my grocery money on a D.V.D. or should I spend it on...of all things....groceries. I decide on groceries and do a quick shop so we can run to the next bus stop, or else be stranded on the other side of town with our delicate groceries (including an almost surreal amount of frozen calzones)_ _ ERROR _ _ ... We make it back in one piece. Or two. Because theirs two of us. I guess. Laundry happens. Eating happens. Reading happens. Tom waits for me. I ramble on and on and on on my live journal about the stupidest details of my day, only to amuse my readers with annoyance. Possibly only I am amused. In fact no one seems to be laughing. Except for Gepetto. But thats just cuz he can CHA CHA all day without being bothered.

Thats all I remember
Then it all went black
Next thing I remember
I woke up with this mullet

Oh poodle man, what have you done to me.